What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

When someone we love is in pain, we often desperately want to help them feel better. In some situations that might be possible, but when it comes to grief, there’s really no making it better. Unless you magically have the ability to turn back time and change what happened, there’s nothing you can do to fix the situation! The only thing you can do is to help the other person feel less alone in their grief. 

Many of us grew up without being exposed to grief rituals, or knowing how to be with someone in their grief. And unfortunately, our very human instinct to try to fix the situation can lead us to say hurtful things to loved ones who are grieving, even when we have the best of intentions. 

If you are worried about saying something hurtful, here are some guidelines for what not to say to someone who is grieving:

• Avoid sentences that start with “At least…” When someone is in the depths of grief, they need, first and foremost, to feel the pain of their grief. Pointing out the silver lining, what they should be grateful for, or what they might have in the future only makes them feel more alone right now. They may even react angrily. 

  • Instead, simply say “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Acknowledging their pain is much more helpful than trying to distract them from it. In deep grief, it can be incredibly relieving for the grieving person to be with someone who is willing to acknowledge that the loss is real and that their pain is worthy of empathy.

• Avoid saying "I know how you feel." It can be tempting to try to relate to the other person’s pain by describing your own losses. But, especially in early grief, talking about your losses may feel to the other person like you are dismissing their experience. Every grief journey is different and every loss is individual, so even if you had a very similar experience, you can’t know exactly how the other person feels. 

  • Instead, share your own feelings and memories of the person they have lost, if you have any. If the person has lost a loved one, it can be comforting for them to hear what you love and miss about that person, too (this is not usually helpful, of course, if the person is going through a divorce or separation).

  • It can be helpful to mention, but not go into detail about, your very similar experience. And if you have experienced a very similar loss (for example if you are also divorced, if you have also had a miscarriage, or if one of your parents has also died, etc.), simply mentioning that you had that experience, and letting them know you would be happy to listen to them talk about their experience, can help them feel less alone. It’s important that the experience is very similar; for example, telling someone that your pet died after they experienced a miscarriage is not helpful. It’s important to remember that each experience of grief is unique.

• Avoid asking purely informational questions. After a loss, the person may want to share the details of what happened, or they may not. Losses are often traumatic and can be very personal, and the person may not be comfortable sharing details at all. It’s best to let them take the lead. Avoid asking questions to satisfy your curiosity, rather than offering them a chance to share only what they are comfortable sharing.

  • Instead, let them know you’d be happy to listen if they want to talk about it. An open invitation to share is very different from asking questions that the person may see as “prying.” Even when your intentions are good, asking purely informational questions (like "What happened?") can come off as seeking details rather than offering support. Let the other person steer the conversation.

  • Be sensitive to their boundaries. If someone says they don’t want to talk about it, follow their lead. They may want to talk later, or they may not. Everyone has a right to decide what’s helpful to their grieving process, and what isn’t. 

• Avoid offering comfort from the perspective of your own beliefs unless you know for certain that the other person shares those beliefs. If the other person does not hold the same beliefs as you, talking about their loss in terms of your own beliefs can contribute to them feeling alone. While some people find the concepts of heaven, angels, a divine plan, soul contracts, signs, or other beliefs about what happens after death comforting, others do not. And even when a person had a belief before, they may not find it comforting anymore. For example, after a loss, many people find the belief that “everything happens for a reason” unbearable, even if they thought it was true before their loss.

  • Instead, ask if there is anything practical you can do to support them right now. It can be helpful to offer to do something concrete, like walking their dog, babysitting their kids, mowing their lawn, or helping with other practical tasks. If you’d like more guidance on how to offer help, check out this article on offering help. And check out our Resources page for more ideas and tools.

We are all human, and supporting someone who is grieving is hard work. Give yourself grace for any mistakes you may have made in the past. As the brilliant Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better.”