How to Write a Meaningful Condolence Note

When someone you love is going through something hard, it can be difficult to know what to say. And there is something of an art to writing a meaningful condolence note. Below are some guidelines to keep in mind:

1. It’s enough just to acknowledge their loss and let them know you are thinking about them. What a grieving person needs most is to be seen, heard, loved, and supported in their grief. It can mean a lot simply to know that you are thinking about them. If you don’t know what else to say, you can write a note that just says “I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you.”

2. If you had a personal connection to the person they lost, it can be meaningful to describe that connection. If a loved one of theirs has died, and you knew that person, it can mean a lot to hear about your connection, and that you miss the person, too. 

3. If you are willing to offer additional support, you can say so in the note, but follow up with another more direct form of communication. In the aftermath of a loss, the grieving person will receive a lot of vague offers to “be there” and be asked if they “need anything.” These kind but vague offers can be hard to accept when they are feeling overwhelmed. Instead, offer concrete support. Check out our article on offering support in hard times.

There are also some things you should avoid saying in a condolence note. Here are some guidelines for what not to say:

1. Avoid offering comfort from the perspective of your own beliefs unless you know for certain that the other person shares those beliefs. If the other person does not hold the same beliefs as you, talking about their loss in terms of your own beliefs can contribute to them feeling alone. While some people find the concepts of heaven, angels, a divine plan, soul contracts, signs, or other beliefs about what happens after death comforting, others do not. And even when a person had a belief before, they may not find it comforting anymore. For example, after a loss, many people find the belief that “everything happens for a reason” unbearable, even if they thought it was true before their loss.

2. Avoid talking about the future, or being overly positive about what happened. When someone is going through something hard, it can be tempting to look for the silver lining, because it’s distressing to see someone you love in pain. But for the person who is going through it, this can feel like you're not acknowledging how hard, sad, and unfair their situation is. Especially early on, they really need their people to acknowledge how awful the situation is, not what was positive about it or what might be better in the future. Avoid sentences that start with “At least…” It’s more helpful to just say “I’m sorry,” or even “I don’t know what to say.” If you need more guidance, check on this article on what not to say to someone who is grieving.

In the end, you know your friend better than a stranger on the internet ever could, and the most meaningful thing you can do is let them know you care. Send them a note and let them know you are thinking of them.