People Keep Asking 'How Can I Help?' What Should I Ask Them to Do?

When something hard happens to you, people who love you often reach out to ask what they can do. Shock and overwhelm can make it hard to know what to ask for. What can someone do, when nothing will actually make the situation better? 

Some things simply can’t be fixed. And when someone tries to make you feel better, it often feels terrible. But what can help, if only a little bit, is feeling seen, accepted, and supported while you navigate this hard time.

So, what can you ask people to do? Here are a few suggestions:

1. What day-to-day tasks feel overwhelming right now? Cooking, laundry, yard care…? Ask your people to take them on, or ask one trusted person to assign tasks to a broader group. Check out our Meal and Help Scheduling page to schedule meals and other forms of help.

2. Do you need help with tasks related to what happened? Your support people can take on some of the arrangements or appointments you need to make, if you feel comfortable assigning those tasks. Sometimes it feels good to hand them off, and sometimes it feels better to ask people to take on day-to-day things so you can focus on the tasks related to what happened. Spend a little time deciding what you are comfortable delegating, and what feels important to do yourself.

3. Do you need pet care or child care? Your support people can help give you time and space to go to appointments or meetings, or just give you a break.

4. Are there physical items you could use right now? You might have a specific list of things you need, or it might just be comforting to know people are thinking of you even if you don’t have the energy to spend time with them. Visit our registry page for suggested item lists, or to build your own comfort registry with items from anywhere on the internet. Building a registry is also something you can delegate to a trusted support person.

5. Do you need help with expenses? Hard events often come with large expenses. Many people are more than happy to help with financial contributions. If you need guidance on how to ask for financial help from your support network, check out this article on crowdfunding in hard times. This is another task you can delegate to a trusted support person.

It’s important to remember that when you are going through something hard, the people who love you really want to help. It is more than OK to ask them for the specific things you need. And it is also OK to let them know when what they are doing isn’t helping. 

If you need more guidance on how to respond when someone’s attempts to help are less than helpful, check out this article on setting boundaries.