Something Hard Happened to Someone I Love. How Do I Help?

When someone you love is going through something hard, it can be difficult to know what to do. It’s so incredibly human to want to try to fix it, but it’s important to remember that in a lot of situations, there is simply nothing to fix. So, how can you meaningfully support someone going through a hard time? 

Your job as a support person is not to fix the situation or try to make the person you are supporting feel better. Your job is to help them feel seen, heard, loved, and supported. Here are some suggestions for what you can do:

1. Tell the person that you love them and you are so sorry about what happened to them. Even if you do nothing else, reminding them that they are not alone, that you care about them, and that you are sorry about what they are going through is a good way to help someone feel seen, heard, loved, and supported. A call, a text, a note, an email, a social media message, or any other way you usually communicate is a great way to convey this message. If you’d like more guidance on what to say, check out this article on how to write a meaningful condolence note.

2. Avoid talking about the future, or being overly positive about what happened. When someone is going through something hard, it can be tempting to look for the silver lining, because it’s distressing to see someone you love in pain. But for the person who is going through it, this can feel like you're not acknowledging how hard, sad, and unfair their situation is. Especially early on, they really need their people to acknowledge how awful the situation is, not what was positive about it or what might be better in the future. Avoid sentences that start with “At least…” It’s more helpful to just say “I’m sorry,” or even “I don’t know what to say.” If you need more guidance, check on this article on what not to say to someone who is grieving.

3. Offer to help in concrete ways. The person you are supporting is likely feeling overwhelmed, and if you offer to help without offering something specific, they may not know what to ask for. Instead, think of something you are comfortable doing for them. Do you like to cook, or feel comfortable ordering them a meal for delivery? Pick a night and offer to take care of dinner. Do you have a relationship with their kids? Offer to take them to the park for an hour or two. Or offer to walk the dog, mow the lawn, or help with other daily life tasks you can commit to. If you are particularly close, you can offer to help them delegate tasks to others. Check out our Resources page for more ideas and tools.

4. Offer material support if you can, and the person is willing to accept it. After a hard event there is unfortunately often a financial burden, in addition to grief, on the shoulders of the person experiencing it. The person you are supporting may need things or financial assistance. If you have the means, gifts or money may be extremely helpful to them. We offer a Registry feature, as well as Meal and Help Scheduling, through this website. If you are particularly close, you can offer to set one or both of these up on the other person's behalf. And if the person doesn't need anything in particular, a care package can also be a meaningful way of letting the person know you are thinking about them. We offer Comfort Gifts and suggested gift lists for various hard events if you need ideas.

5. Spend time with them (if they want you to). Everyone’s grief journey is different, and there is no one way to support someone after a hard event. Some people really appreciate company, and others need time alone. The only way to know if your company is helpful is to ask, and to respect the person’s wishes if they say no. The person may appreciate your willingness to sit in silence with them, or to listen to them talk about what happened without commentary, or to distract them with a movie or activity. Follow their lead. People often feel lonely after a hard event, so being willing to spend time with them, without trying to cheer them up, can be really meaningful.

6. Be open to their suggestions. If you offer something and they turn it down, suggest something else. Or ask them what else would be helpful. And if they let you know that something you’re doing isn’t helpful, change course. They’re navigating something big, and they may not always have the energy to be gentle with you. Give them as much grace as you can, and respect the boundaries they set.

7. Keep checking in with them. Even if they don’t respond to your outreach, they almost certainly appreciate you letting them know that you care and that you are thinking about them. It can mean a lot to send an “I’m thinking of you” message once in a while, without expecting a reply. And if you’ve offered and given help once, check in periodically about what else you can do. Their needs will change as they adjust to their new reality. Continuing to offer help and change course when they ask you to are the best things you can do to continue to support them.

8. Finally, give yourself grace, and a break when you need it. Being there for someone you love when they are going through something hard can be a lot of emotional work. The person may not seem like themselves, and they may not always have a handle on their temper. It’s OK to take breaks and to set your own boundaries if you need to. Whatever you are able to do to help them feel seen, heard, loved, and supported will be helpful as they navigate through this hard time.

If you are looking for more specific advice, browse our other articles on offering support. And check out our Resources page for more ideas on how to offer help.